Hear me out: What if Dorian Gray were a basketball player, and instead of staying young and handsome forever, Dorian Gray got increasingly excellent at basketball, and instead of harboring an increasingly hideous portrait of himself, Dorian Gray released an unfortunate pair of sneakers?
This, I am pretty sure, is what's happening with Steph Curry.
The Curry 2 "Chef," the Golden State Warriors guard's new Under Armour sneaker, was unveiled on Thursday, much to the internet's collective horror and delight. The all-white, thick-soled shoes look like something Jerry Seinfeld would have worn in the early '90s, had he started moonlighting as a registered nurse.
The Chef looks a little like orthopedic shoes and a lot like every pair of sneakers my father has ever owned. It doesn't exactly scream, "I AM LITERALLY THE FIRST UNANIMOUS MVP IN NBA HISTORY: LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR," but something more like, "If you can't go through an entire dinner without looking at your phone, young lady, then you can say goodbye to your phone all weekend." (The Chef probably wouldn't scream at all, actually, because it understands the importance of inside voices.) Curry, who'll face the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight in Game 4 of the NBA Finals, is himself a card-carrying dad.
Just in time for Father's Day, here are 20 hilarious tweets piling on the Chef. Now, forward this post to your dad's AOL address so he can ask you why people are making fun of these shoes and also if you can buy them for him, please.
Paul Ryan wears these shoes to the club. pic.twitter.com/hRQGz1l8nk
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 10, 2016
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.