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We all know how Wednesday's debate will go: Hillary will call Trump a failure, and Trump will say something insane about the New Black Panther Party, and Hillary Clinton will urge us to visit her website for live fact-checking, and Trump will declare himself the winner despite losing by every metric that is not a poll of 617 readers of TVGuide.com.

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Why are we still doing this?  We've seen this debate twice already, and the campaign has been going on for approximately 7,000 days. Couldn't the two candidates switch it up a little?

Instead of a debate, I would suggest any of the following alternative contests, which would be far more entertaining and meaningful than yet another round of headache-inducing cross-talk.

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  1. A ping-pong match
  2. A sand castle building contest
  3. A round of frisbee golf
  4. A spelling bee
  5. A geography bee
  6. A bee-swatting contest
  7. A pie-eating contest
  8. A Pi-reciting contest
  9. An API coding contest
  10. A Magnum P.I. pinball face-off
  11. Face/Off costume contest
  12. A hot air balloon race
  13. A drag race at Thunder Road
  14. A skiing race down the Triple Black Diamond course on K-12 Mountain
  15. A go-kart race
  16. A Mario Kart race
  17. A shopping cart showdown on Supermarket Sweep
  18. Battlebots match (Barron is NOT allowed to help)
  19. The fancy horse-dancing thing that Mitt Romney's wife did
  20. A science fair
  21. A Lilith Fair
  22. A turkey-leg eating contest at the Renaissance Fair
  23. A pun competition
  24. An all-night game of Risk
  25. One round of Laser Tag at Q-Zar
  26. A spooky storytelling competition
  27. A freestyle rap competition
  28. A freestyle swimming race
  29. A head-to-head face-off in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2
  30. N64
  31. No cheat codes
  32. A slam dunk contest
  33. A three-point shooting contest
  34. A competition to see who can most quickly pump air into a basketball
  35. The ballroom dancing thing they did in Silver Linings Playbook
  36. A game of chess
  37. A game of checkers
  38. A game of Crossfire
  39. Game of Thrones trivia night
  40. A game of musical chairs
  41. A game of Red Light/Green Light
  42. A walk-off
  43. Bible trivia
  44. The limbo
  45. A game of cornhole
  46. A crossword puzzle tournament
  47. A Sudoku battle
  48. An endurance dance marathon
  49. A potato sack race
  50. A competition to see who can make it the farthest in the Wind Tunnel level of Battletoads
  51. A special reunion episode of Beat the Geeks
  52. A competition to see who can fit the most Skittles in their mouth
  53. A Mavis Beacon speed-typing face-off
  54. A Halloween costume contest
  55. A mock trial about whether the Hamburglar is guilty of Hamburgling
  56. An episode of Chopped
  57. An episode of Jeopardy!
  58. An episode of Great British Baking Show
  59. An episode of Guts
  60. A Trumps vs. Clintons episode of Family Feud
  61. A round of Simon Says
  62. Thumbwrestling
  63. The quiet game