Coachella. Yes, the lineup looks fun. Yes, everyone is going to be there. Yes, everyone's dying to know what can possibly beat last year's Tupac hologram. But are those enough reasons to deal with the travel, the lodging, the toilets, the people (good and bad), the food, and the price?
Probably. But we're not going so don't rub it in.
Instead, we've created an imagined treasure hunt for those of you attending Coachella this weekend and the next. Good luck, and remember: don't eat the chocolate shrooms.
Don't believe what they say about how much they love Wu Tang, these people are here to work… network that is. You can find them in the VIP of the VIP section, away from the music. If you're able to spot one of these celebrities then you actually lose points because it means you're in the VIP too.
Who's the a-hole who introduced these guys to regular non-Aoki music? A few years ago these guys would keep their shirtless ripped bodies at raves or frat houses. Now they're at every festival, front row, singing along to YOUR song that they just learned last month when Skrillex remixed it. Get outta here! Extra points if you spot one not wearing neon Ray-Ban knockoffs.
is a shopping site with a very unique style -- cutoff shorts, black crop tops, 8" of platform under your feet, and tons of heavy gold jewelry -- and it happens to be where everyone gets their Coachella gear
. No points for this one since it's too easy. Instead, tickle the person next to you every time you see cutoff shorts, slap yourself whenever those shorts are tie-dye, and eat some grass at the sight of printed skulls.
Brandy Melville shoppers
Similar to the Nasty Gals, the Brandy girls
are just as superfluous. Brandy girls can be found in the following color palette: grey and brown. They'll be the ones in the braided headbands, loose fitting cotton tank tops with the sides cut out so you can see their lace bralette
, and flowy skirts. Although they may look beautiful on their own, you'll soon think you ate a bad batch of shrooms because everywhere you look will be another Brandy girl in an L.A. tank top
. 10 points for every headband you see. Minus 20 points for every floral
headband you see.
A clean porta potty
100 points if you can find a toilet on the festival grounds that doesn't have diarrhea smeared all over the roof.
A steady video of the "Harlem Shake" during Bauuer's performance
We all know it's going to happen. People are going to go ape-sh*t during Bauuer's "Harlem Shake". Everyone is going to pull out their phones to record it -- because they'll think it's the most epic thing to happen at Coachella since Tupac's hologram (it's not) -- and every single recording will be so shaky and obnoxious it won't be worth the million views it'll get. So 250 points if you can keep a steady hand while standing in the middle of the "Harlem Shake".
Fake seeing glasses
If you spot fake seeing glasses you lose all your points and have to go back home.
Nipple stickers over bare breasts
No nipple stickers over bare breasts
Minus 50 points.
Freshly killed animal hats
Just kidding. Urban Outfitters animal hats
. Sizzle on the floor like frying bacon any time one walks by.
You're probably not at Coachella if you have reception so quit cheating.