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You may have seen an article in the Washington Post Tuesday. It was titled “There isn’t really anything magical about it’: Why more millennials are avoiding sex.” Evidently, the millennials don’t want to fuck.

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According to the Washington Post, millennials no longer want to bone because the internet is more interesting. Thanks to their love of Snapchat filters, millennials would rather wear a virtual dog face than interact with another human being IRL. There’s more there but that’s the upshot.

The Post quotes our friend Noah, an 18-year-old with no interest in boning. Here’s Noah:

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Isn’t he curious about actual sex? “Not really,” he said. “I’ve seen so much of it. . . . There isn’t really anything magical about it, right?”

Noah, my man! It’s okay—Noah doesn’t know. That’s not Noah’s fault.

But Noah is presumed here to represent all of the millennials. Maybe he does. But I just wanted to get this out there, on the record—I’m a millennial, and guess what? I love to fuck.

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I don’t know about these people. Maybe they do not like to fuck. That’s not on me. You know what’s on me? How much I like to fuck.

And not only do I like it, I also do it a lot. If I want to bang? Then I bang. It’s pretty simple.

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Sometimes, I come home. I’m tired. I worked today. (Yes, I have a job.) Maybe I didn’t sleep that well the night before. Who cares? That’s okay. It doesn’t stop me. I’m still going to board the train to Fuckville. Next stop, my bed.

One of my friends once said something that stuck with me. He said, “Hey man, how do you make all that time for fucking?” I said, “It’s simple. I wake up in the morning and ask myself, ‘Do I want to fuck today?’ And then I say, ‘Yes.’” Now that quote is on my refrigerator.

Some millennials don’t think the same way. Here’s Leo, from the Washington Post article:

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“I’ve overheard conversations where every detail was given — ‘We were in this position for this long, and then we were in that position’ — and that’s a major turnoff for me,” he said. “There’s a lot of people my age who have no filter in terms of how they express themselves in public.”

Perhaps you don’t want to tell someone else about your adventures in fornication. I respect that! But remember what Abraham Lincoln once said—if you haven’t transcended missionary, are you really living? Just a thought.

Another quote from our man Leo:

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Isn’t he curious about what sex is like? “I’m curious on a physical level, like I’m curious about how a new sandwich would taste, but it’s not like a driving curiosity.” Besides, he said, “I don’t particularly like not being in control of myself.”

I thank Leo for creating a more favorable supply-and-demand environment for the likes of people who are undeniably champions of the fuck—people, of course, like myself. I am the mayor of Fucktown.

I may not agree with Leo or Noah, but truth is, that’s their decision. I’m not here to argue why or why not to have sex, nor whether it is one’s obligation to bang for the good of the generation. All I’m trying to say here is: me? Not those people. These people? Don’t want to fuck. Me? Big fuck fan.

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Ugh. Just Google me.