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I've read a lot of scientific studies about pizza in my day probably. For example, there was that Cornell University study about how men eat more pizza when they're around women. I read that pizza study. Not the whole thing, but the Los Angeles Times breakdown of its findings? I read that.

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Researchers found that men eat 93% more pizza when dining with a woman. Kevin Kniffin, the lead author of the study, wrote that the team's findings "suggest that men tend to overeat to show off," and that the reason why might be tied to sexual selection theory. Sexual selection theory? I know what that is I bet. But you know what else I know?

This study does not seem right!!!!

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For example: gay people.

And another thing: this anecdote. Last Saturday, I ate an entire eight-slice medium pie by myself at 1:30 in the morning while watching The Great British Bake Off on Netflix. There were no women present, unless you count Mary Berry. But she was on the TV!!!! Not physically there. Would I have eaten the whole pizza if other people, male or female, were present? Nuh uh, because I know that dignity is a seven-letter word—not a river in Egypt.

I might have forgotten what I was writing about, but I know what I'm talking about. I'm a journalist. So, like I told the Yonkers liquor store owner who refused me service at age 20, "Have a terrible day."

Bad at filling out bios seeks same.