A baby was born this week and it had a penis. Because this baby is special, we'll go ahead and assume that Lifetime will gift us with a follow-up to William & Kate, a story of romance and hair.
As the next chapter of this beautiful, captivating story unfolds under Vaseline-smeared lenses, we decided to help things move along and offer our casting suggestions. See if you agree, and feel free to add your own suggestions (which will be subsequently ignored, because how dare you).
The role of the Royal Baby is an important one and, as such, must be played by an actor with the gravitas and talent needed to convey intense emotion through a series of poops and dribbles.
That someone is Rob Lowe.
Kate Middleton is the epitome of grace and poise, a riches to more riches story that will inspire young women for generations to come. The actress playing her must be able to strike a balance between Kate's girl-next-door charm and the regal air that surrounds her. She also has to be beautiful.
She will, thus, be played by Danielle Brooks. Whom you may know as Taystee from Orange is the New Black.
Obviously Hugh Grant. Like. Are we even discussing this? Are we even? Are we?
While Helen Mirren did a truly wonderful job playing HRH in The Queen, she doesn't want to be typecast, and we respect that. That's why, for this particular role, we humbly submit Dame Judi Dench as Brenda Blethyn as Maggie Smith as Queen Elizabeth as Roseanne Barr as Queen Elizabeth.
The doctor who delivered the royal baby will be portrayed by none other than Colin Baker, the "Sixth Doctor."
The Global Birth Rate
Many slideshows, listicles, and slidesicles have been made over the Royal Baby, but like. Who cares? I mean, other than everyone. What I'm saying is that there are other blessed events. In other places. All the time. UNICEF estimates that there are somewhere between 130 and 136 million babies born each year, and about 15 million of those will be born prematurely. So, while we SEO the formula out of this particular diaper filler, let's remember there are many little ones out there who also need love and attention and proper care.
This role will be played by Rumer Willis AS Suri Cruise.
The Ability to Keep Things in Context While Still Being Able to Enjoy Dumb Stuff
And, like, I'm not saying you can't totally get into the birth of a stranger's baby. I was all about Kaitlyn Boo Boo's entry into the world. Pop culture is fun and it's exciting and what does anyone care what you like and what makes you happy? Plus, babies are hypothetically cute, maybe.
And it's not as if you have to balance every moment of joy with a moment of silence dedicated to every single bad thing that exists in this world. I mean, yeah, there are countless (literally countless, because it's tough to gather statistical evidence in developing or rural places) babies who don't make it, or who develop lifelong health problems in their formative years beause their families don't have access to or awareness of medicine and nutrition for their babies. And, like, I mean. It doesn't have to be at the forefront of your mind as you follow coverage of the Royalest Baby, but. You know. The world is a complicated place.
This will be played by a moment of silence.