Exciting news! The University of Notre Dame is getting its own line of signature scents! There's the ND Gold Eau de Toilette for Biff and Chadwick, and the Lady Irish Eau de Parfum for Betty and Khaleesi, as well as scented shower gel, body lotion, body wash, and aftershave gel. No word on what "scent notes" will be included, but our secret source says it'll smell like green apple, freesia, laundry, a single grain of sand, and the marshmallow dust at the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms.
But why should Norte Dame have all the fun, amiright? I asked my Fusion co-workers to send me the names of their schools and some suggestions about what they might smell like. Then, I worked closely with a company that excels at marketing unnecessary scents to moneyed alumni to come up with some pretty quality fragrances for each one. Check it out:
This luxurious body butter is perfect for the young New Yorker on the go, whether you're in a cab or avoiding taking cabs because of your crippling student debt. #Luxe! This creamy, dreamy whipped goodness smells like protests, strikes, sit-ins, bake sales, and discovering that Williamsburg exists. #YumYum!
University of Pittsburgh
What's in a name, hunty? Could a scent that's named "Pitt" smell good? The jury is in and the answer is MAYBE. This vitamin-enriched gelatinous body substance smells like Pitt's mascot, the panther, and it's number one extracurricular activity, sex with panthers. Perhaps you've heard of it? #Grrrrowl
Remember college? Me neither. Celebrate it with these #sensually #seductive scent pellets, reminiscent of sticky frat house floors. Notes include Funyuns, athletic socks, Solo cups, and burnt hair. #Woo
Axe Body Spray
Ithaca is gorges, baby. That's a pun and a #joke. But you won't be a #joke if you wear this fragrance. Live from (Ithaca) New York, a summer-winter blend of COLD. YES, these scented novelty soaps smell like COLD. #COLD
University of Texas at Austin
Hey #bb, don't mess with Texas. But do mess with this salacious fragrance with notes of smoked meat, breakfast burritos, oil refineries, and a special herbal blend, #winkwink. You've probably never heard of it. Or, if you have, we definitely heard about it before you did.