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"I'm really rich." —Donald J. Trump

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Donald Trump claims to be worth a lot of money. Whether he is as rich as he says he is—and there are some strong reasons to believe he is not—one thing is for sure: His campaign is broke. How broke is he, internet? According to the latest federal filings, Trump's campaign has about $1.3 million cash on hand right now. Compare that with the Hillary Clinton campaign's $42.5 million. Hell, compare that with Ben Carson's campaign, which ended in early March and still has $1.7 million in its coffers.

You might be saying to yourself, "Hey, he may not have as much as the other candidates, but $1.3 million is still a lot of money!" And you'd be right. But a presidential campaign takes a lot of money to run. So to put Trump's financial woes in context, we compiled a list of things that the Trump campaign can no longer afford.

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10 seconds of ad time during the Super Bowl

Super Bowl ad time gets more and more expensive every year. This year CBS charged $5 million for one 30-second spot, or about $166,667 per second. At that rate, the Trump campaign could afford almost eight seconds of airtime if it spent all the money it currently has. According to edgestudio.com's word-to-time calculator, that's just enough time to say, "Mexicans are rapists. Ban all Muslims. Make America Great Again. I'm Donald Trump, and I approve this message."

One pair of these jeans

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The brand Secret Circus sells a pair of jeans bedazzled with real diamonds on its rear pocket.

As recently as last year, these jeans were simultaneously the most expensive and most hideous pair of pants in the world. At $1.3 million per pair, the Trump campaign technically has just enough money to buy the jeans, but not enough left over for shipping and handling.

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An apartment in Trump Tower

According to the popular real estate website StreetEasy, the apartments available for purchase in Trump's gaudy New York high-rise range from just over $2 million to $23 million. Despite reports that Trump's infamous brand is suffering because of his presidential campaign underfunded bigotry roadshow, there is not enough money in the bank to buy even the cheapest apartment in Trump Tower. However, Trump could afford to rent 10 three-bedroom apartments (enough for all 30 of his paid staffers) until about three weeks before the election.

An hour on the phone with Kristen Stewart

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Donald Trump has a lot of feelings about Kristen Stewart and has made them very public over the years.

The good news for Donald is that there may be a way to convey his feelings directly to Kristen Stewart herself. The bad news is that it is probably out of his price range. In 2013, Stewart accepted an offer from a wealthy Middle Eastern prince to talk on the phone for just 15 minutes in exchange for $500,000. Assuming Stewart has kept her prices the same, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee could not even afford an hour on the phone with the woman whose alleged infidelity sent him on a seven-tweet rampage. If his campaign spent all the money it has, Trump could get 39 minutes on the phone with K-Stew, which is not even enough time to address his grievances with "Breaking Dawn: Part 2."

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A fake Hawaiian birth certificate (as estimated by Donald Trump)

In 2011, Trump asserted that President Obama spent more than "$2 million in legal fees" to conceal his real birth certificate. Fact-checkers from The Washington Post looked into Trump's claim that he had heard about the fees in "legal circles" and found it to be more than a little bit dubious. Still, if Trump wants to follow the model of the most successful presidential campaign in recent history, he's going to have to get himself a fake Hawaiian birth certificate. And that's too bad, because in the "legal circles" that Trump runs in, I hear it can cost as much as $2 million in legal fees.

This gold toilet paper

In 2013, an Australian company attempted to sell this "22 Carat Gold Toilet Paper" roll for $1,376,900—just outside the Trump campaign's price range. That means if Trump wants to continue his presidential run, he may have to consider using regular two-ply like a plebe.

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A speech by some guy named Donald Trump

According to Forbes, the Learning Annex paid real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump a whopping $1.5 million per speech in 2006 and 2007. The good news for the Trump campaign is that these speeches have become much more affordable over the last decade. In fact, you can now get one of these speeches anytime you want for free with the purchase of a basic cable package that includes at least one 24-hour news network. That's a savings of as much as $1,498,200 per year. But you have to act fast. This promotion may only be available for the next five months.