Via Getty Images

Block your crazy uncle on Facebook and break out those Doritos you like to stress-eat: The first debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton has finally arrived!

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No sane American would sit through this thing with a BAC level of 0.0; in these apocalyptic times, you might as well drink as though you are about to be marched to the gates of Hell by a vengeful demon.

Okay! Do you have an ice-cold 30-pack of your favorite beer? Are you sitting with friends and family who are comfortable seeing you at your worst? Then let's get started!

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Take a sip if Donald Trump says the following words/phrases:

Take two sips if Trump: 

  • Claims he was against the Iraq War from the start
  • Claims he was against the Afghanistan War from the start
  • Claims he would have prevented 9/11
  • Claims he would have prevented a war that never actually happened
  • Refers to America as "a third-world country"
  • Brags about the size of his crowds
  • Brags about the size of his buildings
  • Brags about the size of literally anything else
  • Points out that he beat 16 candidates in the primary
  • Calls himself "unprecedented"
  • Calls himself a "phenomenon"
  • Brags that he has a small ego
  • Answers a foreign policy question without using a proper noun
  • Says he will hire "the best people"
  • Says he will hire "very smart people"
  • Says he will hire Chuck Norris
  • Answers a question that is not about his businesses with "I built very successful businesses"
  • Answers a question that is not about his buildings with "I have built great buildings"
  • Claims he started out with "almost nothing"
  • Claims he started out with only "a very small loan" from his father
  • Claims he started from the bottom, now he's here
  • Says that "We have to be very strong"
  • Says that "We need to be smart again"
  • Says that "We never win anymore"
  • Says that he loves his stupid voters

Finish your entire drink if Donald Trump:

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  • Says that he respects any of the following people he previously bashed:
  • Ted Cruz
  • Chris Christie
  • Carly Fiorina
  • Marco Rubio
  • Ben Carson
  • Citizens of Mexico
  • References the endorsements of:
  • "Many business leaders"
  • "90 generals"
  • The guy from Duck Dynasty
  • Any professional athlete or sports coach
  • Scott Baio
  • Says something nice about Vladimir Putin
  • Says something mean about Mark Cuban
  • Says something nice about Saddam Hussein
  • Says something mean about Elizabeth Warren
  • Assures an entire race or ethnic group that he will be "very good" for them
  • Unfavorably compares Detroit/Chicago/Baltimore to Afghanistan/a war zone
  • Completely whiffs on a foreign leader's name
  • Completely whiffs on the name of a foreign city
  • Completely whiffs on the name of his youngest daughter
  • Levels a charge against Hillary Clinton that clearly applies to him (Examples: Does not tell the truth; charitable foundation is fraudulent; is sexist; has no record of public service)
  • Says that he will be a good president for women because he has "hired many of them"
  • Apologizes for literally anything

Finish all of your beer, then go to the store and get more, and continue drinking until you enter a coma that lasts until November 9, if Donald Trump:

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  • Is judged by TV pundits to have won the debate because he remained upright for 90 minutes, spoke in English sentences, refrained from hurling a sexist insult at his opponent, and "looked presidential."