The first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump provided so, so many reasons to break into the liquor cabinet and knock back some hooch.
Will Sunday night's second debate be any better? Given this weekend's emergence of Donald Trump's 2005 comments describing sexual assault, Trump's plunging poll numbers, a wave of defections and condemnations from Republican politicians, and Trump's waffling on whether he will bring up the decades-old infidelities of his opponent's spouse: Probably not!
So crack a 30-pack of cheap beer or screw open your favorite bottle of Trader Joe's cabernet—this one's going to hurt.
Here is your official drinking game for debate number two.
Take a sip every time Donald Trump uses one of the following adjectives:
Take a deep breath, massage your temples, and take a sip for each mention of:
- Tic Tacs
- Billy Bush
- Access Hollywood
- Gennifer Flowers
- Juanita Brodderick
- The Starr Report
- "Locker room banter"
- Vince Foster
- Linda Tripp
- Monica Lewinsky
- The mainstream media
Finish your entire drink if Donald Trump:
- Says that the real enemy is political correctness
- Says that he has already apologized, and therefore does not need to apologize again
- Says that he was "playing a character"
- Says that "all men talk like that"
- Says that, also, ahem, women say some pretty bad stuff about men
- Claims that when he said that, he was young, and that he has really changed
- Complains about his microphone
- Complains about Hillary Clinton's microphone
- Complains about the microphones on the Access Hollywood studio bus
- Picks a fight with Anderson Cooper.
- Picks a fight with Bill Clinton
- Picks a fight with a former co-host of The View
- Brags about receiving the endorsement of:
- The National Enquirer
- Ted Cruz
- Lyin' Ted Cruz
- Ted Cruz, son of JFK's assassin
- A reader poll on ChicagoTribune.com
- The Dilbert guy
- Any Men's Rights Activist
- A Twitter user who describes himself as a Democrat
- Advances a conspiracy theory about Washington Post reporter Paul Farenthold
- Claims that he has never been furniture shopping
- Claims that Sean Hannity can corroborate the fact that he has never been furniture shopping
- Claims that he doesn't even own furniture
- Interrupts Hillary Clinton by leaning forward and saying the word "Wrong."
- Claims that he is leading in polls
- Advances the theory that the polls are rigged
- Uses the phrase "false flag"
- Attacks Republicans who have unendorsed him
- Attacks Ted Cruz, just for kicks
- Answers a question that is not about Bill Clinton with a sentence about Bill Clinton
- Inexplicably brings up an old feud, including but not limited to:
- Khizr Khan
- Rosie O'Donnell
- Judge Gonzalo Curiel
- Megyn Kelly
- The baby he kicked out of one his debates
- Invites someone in the audience to go furniture shopping
- Announces a launch date for Trump TV
After the debate, treat yourself to a nightcap when…
- You realize that there are still 29 days until Election Day.