Well, worry no more! Donald Trump – the visionary behind Trump Steaks, Trump Magazine, and Trump Adult Diapers for Babies – is proud to introduce your new one-stop portal for health advice: TrumpMD.
During his historic presidential campaign, Mr. Trump has proven that he has a supernatural ability to point out the undiagnosed illnesses of his enemies.
Hillary "lacks the mental and physical stamina to take on ISIS," noted Mr. Trump, who holds a medical degree from Up Yours University and who completed his residency at a Construction Pit.
He also identified a murderous psychopathic streak in Ted Cruz’s dad, who once stood next to JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald in a photo. Indeed, if you once stood next to a murderer in a photo, you are 83% more likely to kill, according to a peer-reviewed study in the Medical Journal of Make-Believe.
Now, Mr. Trump is turning his keen medical eye to the American people, with TrumpMD!
The TrumpMD service consists of two simple steps:
- Criticize Mr. Trump – First, log on to TrumpMD and write something critical about Mr. Trump. It doesn’t matter how valid or small the criticism—Mr. Trump WILL be angered by it, and he WILL respond.
- Wait for Mr. Trump’s diagnosis – Within 24 hours of criticizing Mr. Trump, you'll receive a diagnosis of your health, based on your physical appearance and how big of a hater you are. The diagnosis will appear either in a tweet or during an interview with Sean Hannity.
And that’s it! No appointment hassles, no visits to your physician: Just criticize Donald Trump online and you’ll learn what’s wrong with you and how badly you’re failing.
Wonder if you’ve got a learning disability, or a low IQ? Question Mr. Trump’s foreign policy bonafides and he’ll tell you straight. Feel like you’re going insane? Criticize Mr. Trump’s racial politics and find out.
Mr. Trump is an expert in virtually all fields of medicine, inlcuding women's health, diet & nutrition, neuroses, and sexual deviancy. Low on energy? Mr. Trump will diagnose your chronic fatigue, live on stage.
Even if you're not quite sure of your affliction, TrumpMD guarantees: If you challenge Donald Trump in any way, he will get to the bottom of it.
Unlike trained “doctors” and “specialists,” Mr. Trump isn’t afraid to declare a serious illness without actually inspecting the patient. Mr. Trump is a renegade and a rule-breaker; he’s the Steve Jobs of telling people he’s never met that they have a degenerative brain disorder.
On other websites, you have to input your symptoms, risk factors, and medical history just to receive tentative suggestions of what illnesses you might have.
But with TrumpMD, you can simply report on Donald Trump's long history of sexist remarks and—voila!—he'll say you'll be dead soon. A real Nostradamus!
So, try TrumpMD today: Because the only sick you should be is sick of winning