Chances are, you have someone (or several dozen someones) on your Facebook / Twitter / Pinterest / Grindr networks who seems to love nothing more than to brag about all the fantastic babies / lunches / DIY hand-crocheted tampon cozies / down low boyfriends he or she has. You know the type of person I'm talking about, right? She's the kind of lady who refers to her husband as "my husband the doctor" even though both of you know very well that the dude's name is, like, Greg or Todd or whatever. Or, alternately, he's the type of guy who'll casually namedrop in a status update. "What a blast!" he'll write, because these people never ever write the way humans actually speak. "Had so much fun with my boy JUSTIN BIEBER."
This goes beyond humble bragging because these people don't even inundate your feeds with their own success. Nah, they have to borrow and steal from the accomplishments of others, letting it waft over them, totally underserved.
And it's got to stop.
This week's Internet Show-Off: Those Who Bask in Reflected Glory
We Get It, You're Married
Congratulations on getting married! It's quite an accomplishment, especially 4 u. Just kidding. I'm thrilled for you. Your spouse is great. What a guy and/or girl! What a catch. I can tell you totally love your spouse. I can tell you think he or she is amazing and funny and cute and sweet and does that thing with the ferret that you were embarrassed to ask of all your former partners. Your spouse is an all-around amazing ray of freaking light that illuminates each and every day for you. So please don't rob this person of all that's awesome about him (or her) by identifying this individual solely by not only his marital status, but his marital status as it relates to YOU.
Likewise, refrain from using your boo's accomplishments and talents and kind acts as ways to garner online attention for yourself. So Greg (or Todd or whatever) got his degree, climbed a mountain, raised 50,000 dollars to save orphaned ferrets (wink), and painted a watercolor of your nude form? Great. What a guy! One, do feel free to tell him you're proud of him and do feel free to share his amazing accomplishments with the people who care about him. Two, don't minimize his accomplishments by announcing it to everyone who definitely doesn't care while referring to this dude as "my amazing husband" or, worse still, "my husby" or "The Hubs."
You Dropped Something
Yo, you have a famous friend? Nice. You must get a lot of free or at least steeply discounted premium flavored vodkas at clubs named after Asian things.
Why don't you go ahead and mention this friend all the time? Better yet, why won't you tag this person anytime you almost kind of can? Also, when you share anything about this individual, make sure to preface the mention with "my friend," so we know you're not just some chemically imbalanced fan using a more famous person to gain more attention for yourself.
#PrayFor... Something. Me?
These are the worst. I mean, yes, maybe individually, one on one, these people are sweet and thoughtful and have hearts of pure gold. But there's no way that translates into inserting yourself into a tragedy. You know the kind: The people who dot their online profiles with "Pray For [insert location of terrible tragedy]," or who dedicate their workouts to victims of a mass shooting (a real thing that I have seen), or who use a natural disaster to help promote their jewelry line (another real thing that I have seen).
Simply noting that you've taken notice of a tragedy doesn't earn you credit for being a good or decent person. The real "glory" here is reserved for those who worked to keep people safe, offer comfort, or heal a community reeling from tragedy... not the person who simply noticed that something bad happened. #Blessed