Tom Williams

Earlier this week, reports surfaced of a new musical based on the life of Martin Shkreli, the notorious pharmaceutical entrepreneur. We have obtained the script.

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SHKRELI: THE MUSICAL

ACT I

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[MARTIN SHKRELI, in an ill-fitting suit, sits behind his desk, in near darkness, except for one lone spotlight]

SHKRELI

My name is Martin,
And I’ve got a plan,
To turn myself in
To a rich, rich man.

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Not much of a singer,
Or actor, or dancer,
But boy! Do I know how
To gouge folks with cancer!

[Lights up to reveal the rollicking Midtown offices of Turing Pharmaceuticals.]

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SHKRELI

A pill that sells for pennies?
Let’s raise the price to eighty!

SICKLY WOMAN

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I can’t afford the treatment!

SHKRELI

Well, enjoy your tombstone, lady!

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We’re going out in Murray Hill!
We’ll end the night in Turtle Bay!
We’ll drink champagne and vape all night!
Then fleece the cancer ward all day!

[Daytime. Martin Shkreli picks up a copy of The New York Times. On the front page it’s…him!]

SHKRELI

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It looks like the press
Is trying to end me!
I’ll log on to Twitter!
I’m sure they’ll defend me!

[Spotlight on THE ENTIRETY OF TWITTER, a sad group of pale, forlorn bloggers]

THE ENTIRETY OF TWITTER

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Justine landed long ago,
And Cecil the Lion bores us so,
It feels like it's been an age
Since a fresh outrage—

[The Entirety of Twitter discovers Martin Shkreli all at once.]

THE ENTIRETY OF TWITTER

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Oh. Em. Gee.
Did. You. See.
The greasy look
Of that Pharma Bro?

[The music crescendos as Twitter gets irrationally excited.]

TWITTER USER 1

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I wanna put him in his place!

TWITTER USER 2

I hope they shoot him into space!

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WEIRD TWITTER USER

Daddy, please sit on my face!

THE ENTIRETY OF TWITTER

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This Martin Shkreli’s actions
Are undoubtedly outrageous!
We’ll tweet until some llamas
Have escaped out of their cages!

[A congressional hearing. Martin Shkreli and his lawyers face a PHALANX OF POLITICIANS.]

CONGRESSMAN 1

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Mr. Shkreli, can you speak
On why you have such greed?

SHKRELI

The Fifth is what I plead,
The Fifth is what I plead.

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CONGRESSMAN 2

Can you tell us why you robbed
These folks in times of need?

SHKRELI

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The Fifth is what I plead,
The Fifth is what I plead.

CONGRESSWOMAN

I find you more disgusting than
“The Human Centipede.”

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CONGRESSMAN 1

If you refuse to answer, Sir,
We really can’t proceed.

SHKRELI

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My lawyers have decreed:
The Fifth is what I plead.

[The POLITICIANS rise, frustrated, and exit. Shkreli turns toward the audience.]

SHKRELI

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The Fifth is what I plead,
The Fifth is what I plead,
And now it’s time to down a fifth
Of rare Egyptian mead!

[That night at Martin Shkreli’s midtown apartment. Shkreli livestreams himself on YouTube and prances around his apartment, victorious.]

SHKRELI

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I am the very model of a Market-Moving Pharma Bro,
I’m crushing it on Tinder, and I don’t believe in karma so
I’m buying up a Wu-Tang album for a pretty penny, see
And then I’m getting drunk as shit on quite expensive Hennessey,
I’m feuding with the Method Man as every blog has chronicled
Our bad blood stretches out to lengths that are quite Cappadonna-cal,
And though I’m under house arrest and cannot wander to and fro,
I’m still the very model of a Market-Moving Pharma Bro!

[The lights go down. Martin Shkreli realizes he is all alone. A contemplative Shkreli sits and is lit by a lone spotlight.]

SHKRELI

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My name is Martin,
And I had a plan,
To prey on the weak;
Now I’m the weak man.

A villain on Twitter,
An ass in D.C.,
It turns out the “cancer”
Was actually…me.

If I could start over,
And go way back when,
Cross out my blunders
With a stroke of my pen;
Yes, if I could go back,
And do it again…

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[Shkreli thinks about it, and then smiles.]

SHKRELI

I’d raise up the price
TO A HUNDRED AND A TEN!!!

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[The music swells.]

SHKRELI

‘Cause my name is Martin,
And I have a plan,
To gain as much cash
As the Bank of Japan,
I’ll take down the RZA
And the whole Wu-Tang Clan
I won’t spend a night
Behind bars in the can,
I'll stay young forever
Like a rich Peter Pan,
And when it’s all over
And the shit clears the fan,

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You’ll say “Whoa!”
I didn’t know;
He’s no Pharma Bro:

He’s a Pharma
Ma-a-n!

[Curtains]