lovin the march toward progress

Women earn just 80% of what men make. Here are 80 things you can buy for 80 cents!

Elena Scotti/FUSION

33A woman working full-time, year round in 2015 made, on average, just 80% of what a man earned during the same time period, according to new data from the U.S. Census Bureau.

But the average wage gap doesn’t tell the whole story: Black women working full-time, year round earned just 63 cents on the dollar in 2015. Latinas earned just 54 cents.

The report released on Tuesday also found that while poverty rates are down overall, women are still more likely to live in poverty than men. The poverty rate for women between the ages of 18 and 64 was 14.2% in 2015. The poverty rate for men in the same age range was 10.5%.

It’s weird and almost feels like the poverty rate among women and a lifetime of depressed wages relative to white men’s earnings could somehow be related. Then again, I’m not an economist. (But if I were, I would earn less than my male colleagues ha ha ah ahhahaha.)

The new average wage gap of 80 cents is a one cent improvement from last year when it was 79 cents, but the difference is not statistically significant. In honor of this momentous news, I present to you 80 things you can buy for 80 cents.

Happy shopping, ladies.

1. A used-ass old stamp

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2. Used wine corks

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3. New wine corks

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4. A paper fan that looks like a flip-flop (stick not included)

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5. A used murder book

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6. One ounce of fabric paint that you can use to put Jenny Holzer statements on all of your T-shirts and glare at your male colleagues

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7. A wooden sorority letter

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8. A tiny barely anything lil fabric sample

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8. Jim Belushi’s book about never apologizing (never ever????)

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9. A tiny Eiffel Tower

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10. A teddy bear pencil

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11. “It’s a Girl” seed packet (maybe show her this list when she’s old enough)

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12. A used book about Kate Middleton (wage gap in Britain is 14.2%)

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13. A tube of lipstick (dark wine is in for fall btw)

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14. Wooden nickels (worth 80% of man’s wooden nickels)

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15. The worst candy [Ed. note: Wow…]

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16. Another murder book

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17. An alien choker (this is actually very cool and you’re lucky we are showing it to you)

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18. This High School Musical pin

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19. This tiny replacement part for a Google phone

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20. A packet of cappuccino mix

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21. Candy that is not great but also not terrible

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22. Ear plugs (wear them when someone tries to tell you that the gap can be explained by women’s choices)

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23. This book about two murders

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24. A sticky brain that you can throw at the wall in order to vent your rage when you find out one of your male colleagues is making more for the same work

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25. A stress reliever ball that you can squeeze if brains are not your thing

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26. This dumb old clamp

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27. A used copy of The Republic

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28 – 29. Different varieties of safety syringes

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30. Some reversible white gloves

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31. A smiley face stamp for when you’re feeling good despite the indignities and material deprivations of living under patriarchy

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32. A sad face for when it all feels like too much

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33. Assorted medical tape

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34. A lightbulb you can visualize every time a man takes credit for one of your ideas

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35. A lil prayer card

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36. A respirator mask

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37. A pair of plastic safety glasses

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38. Fake shit

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39. A book called A Woman’s Place that you can make jokes about to your friends like, “A woman’s place is in the House—and the Senate ha ha hahahaha”

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40–43. Old baseball shit

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41—42. Cards which I am assuming have something to do with World of Warcraft but I cannot possibly confirm

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43. A stick to test your dirt

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44. A phone call to the Equal Employment Opportunity to report gender discrimination in the workplace

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45. A dog bone

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46. Candy cigarettes (taste great)

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47–49. Varieties of poker chips (there is no gap, to my knowledge, in the value of a woman’s poker chip compared to a man’s poker chip)

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50. This whoopee cushion

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51. Magic spring

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52. Princess coloring books

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53. Patriotic pinwheel that you can blow on and feel proud that you live in a country that does not offer paid family leave

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54. Heart-shaped compact mirror

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55. Shot glass necklace

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56. Some sort of headband/scrunchie hybrid made out of hair-like material because hey why not

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57. Silly bandz

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58. Coin trick kit so you can make that extra 20 cents literally disappear

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59. Lucky charm (not the cereal)

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60. Nose pencil sharpener

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61. Baseball bat pen

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62. Earth stress ball (see #25)

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63. Plastic kazoo

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64. My Little Pony friendship mini comb to give to your BFF when you share salary information

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65. Smiley face stress ball (just in case women needed another reminder to smile)

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66. Hamburger yo-yo

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67. Dora party balloon

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68. Mini maraca

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69. Nice

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70. Fake money (signifying all of the money women lose over a lifetime of lost wages!)

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71. Nail file (quantity of 1)

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72. Cheap-ass shipping supplies (hey women are out there making small business moves even if they don’t get paid as much to do so!)

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73. Fall-themed coasters (perfect for pumpkin spice weather!)

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74. One (1) jar of organic baby food (kosher)

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75. Hillary Clinton presidential campaign pin

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76. A mini baby rubber figurine

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77. Smarties candy necklace

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78. Mini dog jigsaw puzzle

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79. Wind-up chattering teeth

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80. $100 bill eraser (tip: use 20% of it for a visualization of the gender wage gap!)

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