Followups

48 questions I have for Donald Trump Jr. about his Skittles tweet

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On Monday night, Trump child Donald Trump Jr. (hair gel, suntan) tweeted what he must have imagined to be a clever metaphor for the Syrian refugee crisis. It involves Skittles:

Okay….okay.

I have several followup questions for Donald J. Trump:

  1. Who puts Skittles in a soup bowl?
  2. Are you showing up to parties, hair disheveled, thrusting an enormous soup bowl of Skittles into the host’s hands, and promising that three will kill you?
  3. Do you think that’s why you don’t get invited back to many people’s homes?
  4. Do you realize how far off your math was in this metaphor—that you are basically more likely to be killed by a vending machine becoming sentient and attacking you than by a refugee terrorist?
  5. Who did your homework for you when you were at UPenn?
  6. Why do you have a bowl filled with three lethal Skittles?
  7. Like: Who does that?
  8. Why not just pour out the Skittles and bring me a bowl that doesn’t contain poison?
  9. I feel like you’re being a pretty rude friend if you’re offering Skittles that you know might kill me?
  10. Are you mad at me?
  11. Are there any other snack options, aside from the potentially fatal bowl of Skittles?
  12. Like: If one of the options is killer Skittles, I guess I’ll just have some pretzels?
  13. Do you want me to run down to the bodega and get a fresh pack of non-lethal Skittles?
  14. And then you can Venmo me for it?
  15. Given the current rates of childhood obesity and diabetes, shouldn’t you be offering some healthier options than Skittles?
  16. Can you count the number of lectures you attended at UPenn on one hand?
  17. How are these three Skittles going to kill me?
  18. Would I drop dead immediately, or would I get some form of long-term Skittles illness, which would still allow me to live a full, yet abbreviated, life?
  19. Or did you have a henchman inject the Skittles with chlorine gas?
  20. The Trump family has henchmen, doesn’t it?
  21. The Trump family has access to chlorine gas, doesn’t it?
  22. If the Skittles killed me, would you be imprisoned for it?
  23. Would you be charged with involuntary manslaughter, or first degree murder?
  24. How do you think you would fare in jail?
  25. Does it make any sense to you that Chandra, the lawyer in The Night Of, would straight-up make out with Naz in the prison cell?
  26. How many of your tweets do you think originated from an Aol.com email address?
  27. Did you run this tweet by anyone before you posted it?
  28. Do you think maybe next time you should ask, say, Tiffany what she thinks of your tweets, before going worldwide?
  29. “Hey, Tiff, I’m going to compare refugees from war-torn Syria to a bowl of fruit candies. Does that sound smart?”
  30. Do you ever regret that you didn’t buy a little part of Snopes or Politifact before the campaign started?
  31. When we’re talking about a handful of Skittles, are we talking about a handful from a normal-sized hand, or from your Dad’s hand?
  32. Do you, too, crave some sweet, sugary Skittles if you stare at your tweet for too long?
  33. Is there a chance that this tweet is sponsored content from the Wrigley Company?
  34. Did you know Wrigley owned Skittles?
  35. When did THAT happen, right?
  36. Do you ever think that you haven’t earned your wealth?
  37. Did you ever notice that when your father gets really worked up, his face kind of looks like an Orange skittle?
  38. When your UPenn professors handed back your problem sets with an A+, did you ever feel guilty, given that you didn’t actually solve any of the problems?
  39. How many people have you killed with this Skittles trick?
  40. Holy shit: Are you the Westchester Skittles Killer, who police believe is responsible for the deaths of 14 young women via poisonous Skittles between the years of 1997-2001?
  41. How does it feel to be so brutally owned by a PR representative for Skittles?
  42. Where can I purchase the bowl displayed in your tweet?
  43. It’s cute, right?
  44. Do you know if it’s real porcelain?
  45. Do you ever stare at the UPenn diploma hanging in your office and wonder if everyone knows it represents a lie?
  46. Why besmirch the good name of Skittles?
  47. What did Skittles ever do to you?
  48. Seriously: What did these delicious, delicious Skittles ever do to you?

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