Civil Disobedience

How to protest the right way

Getty/Thearon W. Henderson

When people have belief in something or conviction in something, trying to stand for that is a good thing, and it’s all about standing for it the right way.’’ – Tim Tebow, apparently disapproving of Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the National Anthem of NFL games.

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If you really must protest, please protest the right way:

Sing the National Anthem slightly off-key. Place your hand over your heart’s right ventricle instead of the left ventricle, as our forefathers intended. Get a tattoo on your left butt cheek that reads “Dissatisfaction.”

Drink a gallon of Gatorade before the game, so that when the national anthem is playing, you are thinking about how badly you have to pee, instead of America.

Don’t be showy. We should barely realize you’re protesting.

Publish a collection of subversive poetry in a chapbook. Stage a 16th century morality play that strongly accords with your beliefs. On Election Day, write in “The Concept of Unhappiness.”

Move to the woods and write polemics about McMansions. Set your Google Maps to avoid routes with tollbooths. On Halloween, dress up as Howard Zinn.

Appear on Carpool Karaoke and sit quietly in the passenger seat. Disappoint James Corden.

Wear a French beret everywhere. When reporters ask why, just shrug and say, “La Tristesse.”

Go several months without showering. Buy one of those bumper stickers that has Calvin peeing on the Jamba Juice logo. Log into IMDB and give a mediocre review to Born on the Fourth of July.

Tell the Starbucks barista your name is Justice. When your order is ready, and she calls out for Justice, stand on a table and reply, “Justice is nowhere to be found.”

Appear on Jeopardy! and refuse to answer in the form of a question. Appear on Wheel of Fortune and only buy vowels. Appear on Chopped and use none of the mystery ingredients.

Appear as a guest judge on America’s Got Talent. When it’s your turn to speak, look straight into the camera and ask: “America: Does it got talent?”

If your buddy asks to borrow a USB cord, ask him to borrow a US-A cord. Share a meaningful moment.

Declare in interviews, loudly and with conviction, that the British version of The Office is funnier than the American version.

Never miss an opportunity to praise Justin Trudeau. Replace all your furniture with austere slabs of granite. Recite the pledge of allegiance during odd times, like when you’re on line at the TCBY, or in the movie theater during the climax of Sully.

Replace your mailbox with a six-foot cactus. Adopt a dog and let him loose at the Cracker Barrel. Adopt a highway and re-name it after Shaft.

Use adblocking software when reading the columns of Allen West. Watch Around the Horn on mute. Light your newspaper on fire in front of the delivery boy.

Leave this comment on every Breitbart article, regardless of topic: “THE MOON LANDING STINKS TO HIGH HEAVENS.” Don’t read the replies.

Sell your car; parachute into every event: NFL games, the grocery store, an appointment with your dermatologist. As you descend toward Earth, shower the children with free Tootsie Rolls.

When your dentist asks you to open wider, lock eyes with him. Don’t move a muscle.

Stand for the national anthem, but make sure your right foot is asleep. As the anthem plays, imagine the house of your least favorite politician getting destroyed by a dragon. When it ends, remain standing, hand over heart, for an additional 7 hours.

Make sure you are protesting the right way. Before doing any of this, file an official protest request with the Office of Dissent. Pay the $35 processing fee. Wait 4-6 weeks as the board of governors reviews your request.

Respect their decision. And remember, if they deny your request to protest, you have no right to appeal or disagree.

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