Inconvenient Truths

A transcript of Al Gore’s speech to millennials on Hillary Clinton’s behalf

Anthony Harvey

Transcript: Al Gore’s remarks to millennials, for the Hillary Clinton campaign.


Hello! Thank you for having me. Wow, it’s lit. Ha ha. Who did this, fam? Please, sit.

My name is Al Gore—that’s VeepAl on IG—and you all probably know me from my role on 30 Rock. I played Tracy Jordan. Just kidding.

Anyway, I was sitting with a Tinder squeeze streaming an episode of Bojack on my Roku the other day, and I realized something:

You know what’s not Netflix and Chill? The rising temperature of the world’s oceans.

Global warming is getting worse, ya’ll, and we need to clap back at it.

I know that Damn Daniel is back at it again with the White Vans; but for climate change, we need a president who’s back at it with some Tight Plans.

Hillary’s got a proposal to fight global warming, and it’s epic—like John Oliver eviscerating the Wells Fargo CEO while doing Carpool Karaoke with the kids from Stranger Things.

This is the remix to Ignition, and Hillary’s lowering CO2 emissions.

Her environmental policy is everything, and it will give you life.

That’s why I’m behind Hillary a hundo p. She’s totally bad-ass; you can hit her up on the Snap.

Hillary, Tim Kaine, Uncle Joe, Michelle: Sorry, not sorry, but this team of rivals is squad goals af.

Hillary’s opponent, meanwhile, is an epic fail. He’s a messy bitch, who loves drama. And here’s an inconvenient truth: he thinks global warming is a hoax.

[Al Gore pulls out an oversized glass of iced tea]

…But that’s none of my business.

Now, the other day, I was watching my favorite YouTube vlogger, Blymp Stympson, and he said that Millennials weren’t excited for Hillary. I just about broke my selfie stick over my Ikea coffee table and knocked over my grain bowl.

The struggle is real, ya’ll.

They say that Hillary Clinton is thirsty. Well, she is thirsty, for the sweet milk of Progress.

They say that Hillary Clinton isn’t woke. She’s seen things you people wouldn’t believe.

They say that Hillary Clinton doesn’t care about the little people. She will stan for you, America. That’s her aesthetic.

Record scratch. Freeze frame. You’re probably wondering how Hillary Clinton got in this situation?

Through hard work and a lifetime of low-key fighting for progressive goals.

America needs Hillary like I need a breakfast sando after a night of getting sloppy with my bitches. Donald Trump as president?

I. Can’t. Even.

Only 90s kids will remember that when I was Vice President, the United States saw a strong economy, the invention of Dunkaroos, and the peak years of Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Hillary wants all that for America again.

So, this November, I hope you’ll slide into our DMs (Democratic Mainstream) and say “YASSS KWEEN” to a Hillary Clinton presidency.

Thanks, America. Don’t forget to like, subscribe, comment, and elect Hillary to the White House.