Counter Programming

61 contests between Hillary and Trump that would be more meaningful than tonight’s debate

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We all know how Wednesday’s debate will go: Hillary will call Trump a failure, and Trump will say something insane about the New Black Panther Party, and Hillary Clinton will urge us to visit her website for live fact-checking, and Trump will declare himself the winner despite losing by every metric that is not a poll of 617 readers of

Why are we still doing this? We’ve seen this debate twice already, and the campaign has been going on for approximately 7,000 days. Couldn’t the two candidates switch it up a little?

Instead of a debate, I would suggest any of the following alternative contests, which would be far more entertaining and meaningful than yet another round of headache-inducing cross-talk.

  1. A ping-pong match
  2. A sand castle building contest
  3. A round of frisbee golf
  4. A spelling bee
  5. A geography bee
  6. A bee-swatting contest
  7. A pie-eating contest
  8. A Pi-reciting contest
  9. An API coding contest
  10. A Magnum P.I. pinball face-off
  11. A Face/Off costume contest
  12. A hot air balloon race
  13. A drag race at Thunder Road
  14. A skiing race down the Triple Black Diamond course on K-12 Mountain
  15. A go-kart race
  16. A Mario Kart race
  17. A shopping cart showdown on Supermarket Sweep
  18. A Battlebots match (Barron is NOT allowed to help)
  19. The fancy horse-dancing thing that Mitt Romney’s wife did
  20. A science fair
  21. A Lilith Fair
  22. A turkey-leg eating contest at the Renaissance Fair
  23. A pun competition
  24. An all-night game of Risk
  25. One round of Laser Tag at Q-Zar
  26. A spooky storytelling competition
  27. A freestyle rap competition
  28. A freestyle swimming race
  29. A head-to-head face-off in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2
    1. N64
    2. No cheat codes
  30. A slam dunk contest
  31. A three-point shooting contest
  32. A competition to see who can most quickly pump air into a basketball
  33. The ballroom dancing thing they did in Silver Linings Playbook
  34. A game of chess
  35. A game of checkers
  36. A game of Crossfire
  37. A Game of Thrones trivia night
  38. A game of musical chairs
  39. A game of Red Light/Green Light
  40. A walk-off
  41. Bible trivia
  42. The limbo
  43. A game of cornhole
  44. A crossword puzzle tournament
  45. A Sudoku battle
  46. An endurance dance marathon
  47. A potato sack race
  48. A competition to see who can make it the farthest in the Wind Tunnel level of Battletoads
  49. A special reunion episode of Beat the Geeks
  50. A competition to see who can fit the most Skittles in their mouth
  51. A Mavis Beacon speed-typing face-off
  52. A Halloween costume contest
  53. A mock trial about whether the Hamburglar is guilty of Hamburgling
  54. An episode of Chopped
  55. An episode of Jeopardy!
  56. An episode of Great British Baking Show
  57. An episode of Guts
  58. A Trumps vs. Clintons episode of Family Feud
  59. A round of Simon Says
  60. Thumbwrestling
  61. The quiet game