Five Thirty Great

How I know Donald Trump is going to win the election in a landslide

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The Trump landslide is coming.

All the signs are there. I have 9 million Twitter followers and 300 Trump bumper stickers on my Nissan Xterra. My Klout score skyrockets with each pro-Trump entry to my Livejournal. This morning as I drew my daily bath, the faucet whispered “Donald.”

These things just aren’t happening for Hillary.

Last week Trump held a rally in Louisiana, in the small town of Fort Hitler, and 600,000 supporters packed into a middle school gymnasium to experience his aura. Hillary, meanwhile, gave a speech on a Manhattan street corner to 3 or 4 pigeons; she was trampled underfoot by Japanese businessmen hustling to the subway.

Forget about the polls. Which one of those situations sounds presidential?

All the vibrations are vibrating, vibration-wise. I saw a cloud the other day that was the spitting image of Rudy Giuliani’s jowls. A Denny’s waitress gave me 2% off my pancakes because she was so impressed by the bedazzling on my Steve Bannon fanny pack. “Melania” is now the 6,478th most popular name for houseplants.

This is called momentum, people.

Mainstream pollsters are too rigid and scientific. Donald Trump is winning every online poll that matters: ReadersDigest.bulgaria, PornoWarehouse, Mustache Fancy Magazine. When I added the #MAGA hashtag to my profile on Yahoo! Dating, I saw a 45% increase in responses from Ukrainian women with “Deplorable” in their usernames.

This is a change election, and Trump is like an old sofa filled with quarters.

Look at the demographics in these sham polls. They oversample hippies, acid-heads, Etsy users, and trapeze artists; they undersample motorcycle gangs, dojo owners, and investment bankers who no longer talk to their parents.

Polls? More like “bowls,” of weed, that these charlatans are smoking in their bungalows.

This election is over for the Dumbocrats and they don’t realize it yet. They’re too preoccupied with violent clown-people, and not with the silent townspeople, who are going to take down that bozo Hillary Clinton on November 8th.

Ask yourself a question: The mainstream media won’t report on Trump’s crowds, or Hillary’s scandals, or my impressive testosterone levels. Why?

It’s because Trump is winning, and they know it. You know it, I know it, Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers knows it.

Look at non-scientific metrics. On Altavista, searches for “Donold Turmop” far outnumber those for “Hallery Cullton.” Misspelled Altavista queries have predicted every global occurrence since 1993, including Hurricane Sandy and the marriage of Britney Spears to Jason Alexander.

This is Turmop’s year.

I put 1,300 Trump/Pence yard signs up in my neighbor’s garden yesterday. He is too fatigued to call the police. That’s winning. That’s a growing consensus.

Forget any poll that uses numbers you don’t like. I trust the People’s Unskewed Pollster, who conducts surveys by shouting at suburban housewives at the Publix deli counter. He’s got Trump winning 87-2 in Florida.

More people chose “half a pound of Honey Baked Ham” than Clinton. Take that, Nate Silver.

Sure, Nate Silver isn’t predicting a Trump win. But Nate Silver also didn’t predict the Earthquake that destroyed Pompeii in 62 A.D.

The Trump “Landslide” is coming, and we are going to Fleetwood Make America Great Again.

All signs—support from genocidal dictators, sales of Halloween wigs for dogs, the percentage of voters who have been ejected from a beer-league softball game—are pointing to a thunderous Trump victory on Election Day.

Americans are sick of corruption, and Donald Trump is a Corruption Vaccine injected straight into the heart of our diseased homeland.

And the only side effect of that vaccine? A return to American greatness.