Raise a Glass Ceiling

Your official election night drinking game: Clinton vs. Trump, the finale!

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Well, the 2016 campaign has lasted approximately 6,859 days, but Election Night has finally arrived!

As you watch the results roll in on Tuesday night, I would suggest a cold beverage or eight to help calm your nerves and dull the pain of watching Wolf Blitzer vamp for seven hours.

Without further ado, here’s an election night drinking game designed to power you through the longest night of this year with a pleasant, escalating buzz:

Take a sip every time you hear the following word or phrase:

  • Battleground
  • Exit poll
  • Turnout
  • “Too close to call”
  • “2000 all over again”
  • Hanging chads
  • Clinton Machine
  • “Economic anxiety”
  • Disaffected
  • Silent Majority
  • Firewall
  • Brexit
  • “Not a Brexit”
  • Rigged
  • Dishonest
  • Lamestream
  • Globalists
  • International financiers
  • Mazel Tov Cocktail
  • Breitbart.com
  • “The Blacks”
  • “The Hispanics”
  • “The Latinos”
  • “working-class Whites”
  • “Undecided voters”
  • Elites
  • “A narrow path to victory”
  • “An historic election”

Take a sip for any mention of/television appearance by one of these prominent or semi-prominent figures from the campaign:

  • Ken Bone
  • Roger Stone
  • Alex Jones
  • Billy Bush
  • Khizr Khan
  • Alex Jones
  • Alicia Machado
  • Trump’s doctor with the crazy hair
  • Sid Blumenthal
  • Pope Francis
  • The guy who climbed Trump Tower
  • Mark Cuban
  • Milo Yiannopoulos
  • Bill Mitchell
  • Katrina Pierson
  • Al Gore
  • Donald Trump’s butler
  • Scott Baio
  • Lena Dunham
  • Ted Nugent
  • Matt McGorry
  • Vladimir Putin
  • Ted Cruz’s dad
  • Nigel Farage
  • Don King
  • Tom Brady
  • Paul Manafort
  • Cher
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • Tiffany Trump

Take a gulp every time…

  • Two pundits get into a screaming match
  • A pundit says “pussy”
  • Donald Trump files a lawsuit
  • A pundit’s cell phone starts ringing on air
  • A GOP pundit says that Trump did well in literally any of the debates
  • A GOP pundit says Donald Trump “started a movement”
  • A GOP pundit says that Hillary Clinton “will not have a mandate”
  • A GOP pundit complains about Jay Z and Beyoncé
  • A GOP pundit praises Ted Nugent or Scott Baio
  • “Let’s go live to the Javits Center”
  • Anderson Cooper locks in a guest he doesn’t like with an icy-cold stare
  • A pundit says the word “memes”
  • A pundit says “Whoever gets the most votes will win” (or equivalent)
  • Wolf Blitzer talks for 10 seconds without actually saying anything
  • “Let’s take a look at what people are saying on Twitter”
  • Someone calls voter fraud a “very serious issue”
  • Someone refers to voter fraud as “rampant”
  • Someone says there hasn’t been enough news coverage of aggrieved white Donald Trump voters
  • Someone brings up the specter of a recount
  • Someone refers to a county as “crucial”
  • Someone identifies “the real racists”
  • You hear “Fight Song”

Take down a fine bottle of your choice of liquor, unscrew the cap, and take an enormous swig if [gulp]…

  • You-know-who wins.