CNN After Dark

An exclusive look at what it was like at CNN after the election ended

Screenshot: CNN

John King stares at his Magic Wall, now unplugged. Finally, a portal appears. He steps inside and is surrounded in all dimensions by turnout figures from Broward County, floating in the ether.

*

Wolf Blitzer sits alone in a darkened room, surrounded by milk bottles filled with his own urine, muttering “Key race alert… Key race alert…” over and over.

*

Ana Navarro EVISCERATES a vending machine. “$2 for a damn Twix bar? I don’t think so!” She punches her fist straight through the plated glass.

*

Jeffrey Lord crawls into his coffin for slumber. Soon the sun will rise…

*

Anderson Cooper locks down a janitor’s mop with an icy-cold stare. “But how can you say that?” he asks, his voice rising with indignation.

*

Corey Lewandowski’s jaw unhinges to reveal his internal gadgetry. Sparks fly within him; he is made of ramrods and discarded parts from a Hummer that used to belong to Dolph Lundgren. He transmits data to the satellite uplink and powers down for the evening.

*

David Gergen opens a door he has never noticed before. A blinding white light—the theme song to the Piers Morgan show—he vanishes, leaving only his Florsheims and a cloud of gray smoke.

*

“We need to be very clear about something,” Van Jones says. He is asleep on a couch. Even in slumber he argues with Katrina Pierson.

*

If you stand just so in The Situation Room, you can hear the distant voice of Jim Acosta: “Security guards here at the Javits Center ejected everyone hours ago, but I hid in the ventilation system. I’m Jim Acosta, and I have fashioned a bed out of my blazer and crumpled I’m With Her signs.” Who is he speaking to?

*

A mosquito lands on Anderson Cooper’s neck. “With all due respect, Sir,” he says to the cursed insect, “What gives you the right to do that?”

The mosquito says nothing.

“We’re gonna have to come back to you,” Cooper says, clearly disappointed.

*

John King emerges from within the Magic Wall. For some reason, he can now speak German.

*

“Thomas, the mood here is somber,” Jim Acosta reports from the boiler room of the Javits Center. No one named Thomas works for CNN.

*

Wolf Blitzer swings open the door to a refrigerator. “KEY RACE ALERT,” he screams, before swallowing an entire tray of ice cubes.

*

A producer asks a dazed John King if he’s okay. “Mitt Romney won 29.3 percent of the vote in Cuyahoga County in 2012,” he replies automatically. Where is he? Why won’t his teeth stop chattering? Did he always have this long white beard?

*

“Let’s go now to Jim Acosta,” says Jim Acosta. “Thanks, Jim,” Jim Acosta replies. “Temperatures in the boiler room of the Javits Center have now reached 135 degrees, Jim.”

*

The Magic Wall churns back to life. 538 identical John Kings march one-by-one out of the Wall and into the CNN studio.

“We have a key race alert, John,” Wolf Blitzer says to every single one of them.

They pay him no mind. There is turnout to analyze in Cuyahoga County.

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