President-elect Donald Trump had a lot of ground to cover in his first press conference in 167 days.
Ahead of the already-scheduled Wednesday morning conference, BuzzFeed published an explosive dossier of unverified intelligence on Trump which alleged, among other things, that the Russians might have hard evidence showing him in some very compromising positions.
Things did not get more tame from there.
Here are just eight of the most batshit insane moments of Trump’s presser.
Trump actually rolls out ‘You’re fired’
Although he’s sparred on Twitter with his Apprentice replacement, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Trump ended his press conference with an off-handed remark about his large adult sons, who are slated to take over Trump Organization operations.
If the sons don’t do a good job running the family business, “I’ll say, you’re fired,” Trump said.
I can’t make this stuff up.
Trump says sexual rumors can’t be true because he’s a ‘germaphobe’
Among the most eye-popping details of the dossier was the claim (again, completely unproven) that Trump paid sex workers to perform “golden showers” in front of him while he stayed in a luxury Moscow hotel–a salacious-enough nugget to keep “golden showers” trending on Twitter through the night.
But in typical Trump fashion (remember when he joke-clarified about his penis size during a debate?) the president-elect said the story couldn’t be true for one simple reason: “I’m also very much of a germaphobe by the way, believe me.”
Well, that settles that!
Mexico will definitely pay us back for the wall, don’t you worry
Trump is so eager to start construction on his beloved border wall with Mexico that he wants to start without waiting to work out the finer points of that whole plan to make Mexico pay for it.
“Mexico in some form–and there are many different forms–will reimburse us….for the cost of the wall,” he said.
Maybe they’ll hit American taxpayers back on Venmo?
The president-elect also bizarrely pointed to the crowds at his campaign rallies–who, of course, went wild at any mention of the wall–as evidence that Mexico will indeed pay for the wall.
Trump threatens ‘pile of garbage’ BuzzFeed
We won’t quibble about BuzzFeed’s decision to publish the almost impossible-to-verify intelligence report here. But it’s safe to say that that decision–which editor in chief Ben Smith reasoned would allow the readers to decide what they thought of the claims for themselves–landed the news site on the incoming president’s shit list until the end of time.
Calling BuzzFeed a “failing pile of garbage,” Trump ominously said of the site: “I think they’re going to suffer the consequences.”
His attacks on specific media organizations didn’t end there.
Trump spars with CNN reporter, calls him ‘fake news’
Just like president-elect characterized reporting from both BuzzFeed and CNN on the intel dossier (whitewashing over the fact that CNN did not publish the report in full) as “fake news,” Trump slammed CNN reporter Jim Acosta as “fake news” himself after a heated exchange.
Acosta demanded Trump take a question from CNN, a news network he has often publicly maligned, but Trump refused, cautioning Acosta, “Don’t be rude.”
Here’s video of the back-and-forth:
Trump flails around wildly over Obamacare
Trump inspired little confidence in the timetable for the Republicans’ long-planned but very little-defined plan to repeal Obamacare and replace it with an alternate system of their own making.
“It’ll be repeal and replace. It will be essentially, simultaneously,” he said. “It will be various segments, you understand, but will most likely be on the same day or the same week, but probably, the same day, could be the same hour.”
Anything less would strip the millions Americans who now have health insurance under Obamacare again of their coverage, at least temporarily. But it’s all “very complicated,” Trump said, providing no further details about the GOP plan.
Trump calls himself “the greatest jobs producer that God ever created”
“We’re going to create jobs. I said that I will be the greatest jobs producer that God ever created,” the billionaire said. “And I mean that, really–I’m going to work very hard on that.”
Trump says it’s actually good if Putin likes him
In Trump’s vision of international diplomacy—which is apparently much like a high school prom—a friendly relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin can only benefit the United States.
“If Putin likes Donald Trump, I consider that an asset, not a liability, because we have a horrible relationship with Russia,” he said. “If Putin likes Donald Trump, guess what, folks? That’s called an asset, not a liability.”
Soon-to-be-president Donald Trump, everyone.