It’s Hard Out Here For a Femme Lesbian – Here’s Why

Photo: Flickr/Lauren Powell-Smothers

We’ve talked about the challenges of dating as a bisexual and lesbian sex. So, it’s only fitting that we break down the difficulties in dating and looking for love as a femme lesbian – something we discussed this week on Alicia Menendez Tonight.

Let’s face it, women can be just as nervous about approaching women they’re interested in as men. So, it’s less scary approaching someone you’re 99.9% sure is gay. But, not all lesbians are butch, androgynous or masculine of center. Some women-who-love-women also love “girly” things, which contradicts the stereotype of who and what is gay. But, femme lesbians are here and are queer, too!

Here are five dating problems you will probably have if you’re a femme lesbian:


1. You feel invisible.


Whether you’re among “family” (other LGBTQ folks) or mostly heterosexuals, being feminine is a sign that you’re straight. Though there may be some benefits and privileges, there are even more draw backs. Not being seen as a woman-who-loves-women is not only invalidating, it’s frustrating because..


2. So, you have to ‘come out’ a lot. Like, almost daily. People don’t understand why someone so ‘pretty’ would be gay.


When you go to gay bars, some assume you’re there because you’re either lost or are just tagging along with a friend who is LGBTQ. What’s worse is others expect you to be inexperienced, pillow
princesses…or bi-curious. It’s not like anything is wrong with any of that, but it’s not who you are. You know what you want, so what does being femenine have to do with who you’re attracted to? (It doesn’t.)

Unfortunately, because femmes can ‘pass’ as straight, they’re not seen as lesbian by other queer folks unless you’re on the arm of another woman, particularly a queer “looking” woman…or are wearing rainbow everything.


3. And, even when you think you’ve made it clear, straight men (specifically, cisgender males) still don’t understand.

What’s worse is when they tell you that you’re not really a lesbian, “you just haven’t been with the right man.” Presumably them. Ugh.


4. Unfortunately, you may be objectified by not only straight folks, but queer folks, too.

Let’s face it. Women – regardless of their sexual orientation – are targets for sexism. Add on queer identity and it only makes the bull’s eye bigger. Femme women face objectification by the larger world (“You like girls? That’s hot!”) and at times little acceptance by queer folks (“No way she’s gay!”). For some, being super femme and super gay for whatever reason is a contradiction. And, it can read as an unspoken invitation for awkward and offensive questions and comments.


5. Worst of all, receiving solicitations for threesomes.

If you’ve decided that seeking same-sex love is easier online because it’s less intimidating asserting yourself, you are likely to encounter unwanted invitations from couples. Sadly, it’s just par for the course as a femme. To quote myself, for both men and women, femmes are “like a tasty garnish for a bland meal.”


The solution? Just keep on being your fabulous self.

If you want to find love for life or just for the night, it’s up to you. You’re going to have to brave the storm and take a chance. But, relax…most femme-loving women will tell you how hot they find agressive femmes. So, stop questioning yourself and go after what you want. What’s the worst that can happen? You get rejected? Unlikely. But, if it happens, just dust yourself off and try again.



…because if you don’t, you will end up sexless, loveless and die alone. (j/k…We hope.)

If there are any you think we’re leaving off, feel free share your #femmeprobs in the comments section below. Or, tweet me @AmyStretten.