We’ve talked about the challenges of dating as a bisexual and lesbian sex. So, it’s only fitting that we break down the difficulties in dating and looking for love as a femme lesbian – something we discussed this week on Alicia Menendez Tonight.

Let’s face it, women can be just as nervous about approaching women they’re interested in as men. So, it’s less scary approaching someone you’re 99.9% sure is gay. But, not all lesbians are butch, androgynous or masculine of center. Some women-who-love-women also love “girly” things, which contradicts the stereotype of who and what is gay. But, femme lesbians are here and are queer, too!

Here are five dating problems you will probably have if you’re a femme lesbian:


1. You feel invisible.


Whether you’re among “family” (other LGBTQ folks) or mostly heterosexuals, being feminine is a sign that you’re straight. Though there may be some benefits and privileges, there are even more draw backs. Not being seen as a woman-who-loves-women is not only invalidating, it’s frustrating because..


2. So, you have to ‘come out’ a lot. Like, almost daily. People don’t understand why someone so ‘pretty’ would be gay.


When you go to gay bars, some assume you’re there because you’re either lost or are just tagging along with a friend who is LGBTQ. What’s worse is others expect you to be inexperienced, pillow
princesses…or bi-curious. It’s not like anything is wrong with any of that, but it’s not who you are. You know what you want, so what does being femenine have to do with who you’re attracted to? (It doesn’t.)

Unfortunately, because femmes can ‘pass’ as straight, they’re not seen as lesbian by other queer folks unless you’re on the arm of another woman, particularly a queer “looking” woman…or are wearing rainbow everything.


3. And, even when you think you’ve made it clear, straight men (specifically, cisgender males) still don’t understand.

What’s worse is when they tell you that you’re not really a lesbian, “you just haven’t been with the right man.” Presumably them. Ugh.


4. Unfortunately, you may be objectified by not only straight folks, but queer folks, too.

Let’s face it. Women – regardless of their sexual orientation – are targets for sexism. Add on queer identity and it only makes the bull’s eye bigger. Femme women face objectification by the larger world (“You like girls? That’s hot!”) and at times little acceptance by queer folks (“No way she’s gay!”). For some, being super femme and super gay for whatever reason is a contradiction. And, it can read as an unspoken invitation for awkward and offensive questions and comments.


5. Worst of all, receiving solicitations for threesomes.

If you’ve decided that seeking same-sex love is easier online because it’s less intimidating asserting yourself, you are likely to encounter unwanted invitations from couples. Sadly, it’s just par for the course as a femme. To quote myself, for both men and women, femmes are “like a tasty garnish for a bland meal.”


The solution? Just keep on being your fabulous self.

If you want to find love for life or just for the night, it’s up to you. You’re going to have to brave the storm and take a chance. But, relax…most femme-loving women will tell you how hot they find agressive femmes. So, stop questioning yourself and go after what you want. What’s the worst that can happen? You get rejected? Unlikely. But, if it happens, just dust yourself off and try again.



…because if you don’t, you will end up sexless, loveless and die alone. (j/k…We hope.)

If there are any you think we’re leaving off, feel free share your #femmeprobs in the comments section below. Or, tweet me @AmyStretten.

×
×

Stories not to be missed!

WUPPERTAL,GERMANY- APRIL 08: A lion is seen at the  Wuppertal  Zoo on April 8, 2009 in Wuppertal, Germany.  (Photo by Christof Koepsel/Getty Images)

Here's how this lion-killing dentist thing is going to play out

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - JULY 10:  Singer/songwriter Taylor Swift performs onstage during The 1989 World Tour Live at MetLife Stadium on July 10, 2015 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  (Photo by Larry Busacca/Getty Images for TAS)

Taylor Swift’s stage malfunction last night exposed exactly what it means to be a pop star

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - DECEMBER 18:  A protestor holds a black lives matter t-shirt during a "Hands Up, Don't Shoot" demonstration in front of the San Francisco Hall of Justice on December 18, 2014 in San Francisco, California. Dozens of San Francisco public attorneys and activists staged a "Hands Up, Don't Shoot" demonstration to protest the racial disparities in the criminal justice system following the non-indictments of two white police officers who killed unarmed black men in Missouri and New York.  (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

The next time someone says 'all lives matter,' show them these 5 paragraphs