Game of Thrones: Season 4 Preview

HBO/Game of Thrones

(EDITOR’S NOTE: There are no significant spoilers below but if you’re sensitive to that stuff come back later.)

Game of Thrones is back this Sunday, to the delight of your inner nerd/horny teenager.

So, while you’re in giddy anticipation, we went ahead and watched the first episode so you can know what to expect. Because we all know the Red Wedding was a rough one.

Speaking of the Red Wedding, all of those people are still dead

And the HORRIBLE, NIGHTMARE MASS MURDER is definitely having an effect on the living characters, particularly the Starks who are miraculously still alive: Sansa and Arya. Remember, Sansa learned the news after she was forced to marry Tyrion Lanniser (whose family plotted the Red Wedding), and Arya who is traveling around with The Hound. And then there’s Jon Snow, who’s recovering from being shot with a bow and arrow by his wildling ex-girlfriend. This season will force the three of them to grow up fast, as they’re now basically entirely on their own.

White people will die

Duh. Of course they will.

Jamie comes back to Kings Landing

We ended season three with Jamie arriving back in Kings Landing, sans right hand. And we know from the four trailers that HBO released, that Jamie gets a gold hand replacement. But not all is well with the incredibly good-looking, really rich knight who’s in love with his sister. His incestuous spawn Joffrey is still terrorizing the capital and Cersei doesn’t feel the same about their relationship as she once did.

Like every season, the world gets bigger

And there are new characters to match the new, expanded map. The most important is the Red Viper, who is basically a pansexual prince who completely embraces his id and is looking for revenge on the Lannisters. I’m sure this will go well and no one will die. Yup, everyone will stay safe here.

There are literally too many characters in this show for us to preview for you

And you don’t catch up with them all right away in the new season.

Daenerys sacrifices all her dragons to bring Khal Drogo and Ned Stark back from the dead

Game of Thrones Season 4

Kidding! That doesn’t happen.

Or does it?