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Below is a recap of the day's GOP presidential primary news, as it would be summarized by a middle schooler gossiping to a friend.


Okay sooooo at the debate last night Donald and Ted and Marco were all really going at it and it seemed like maybe they were gonna fight, and Donald has been talking about punching people in the face recently and everyone was afraid that he might punch Ted or Marco in the face, which wouldn’t really be a fair fight since he’s so much taller than both of them, but luckily they didn’t actually fight, because John K, who’s super mature, was there to calm them down and then Ben started talking and that calmed them down some more but it was so weird because no one has ever seen Ted and Donald and Marco so mad at each other, like, aren’t they on the same team?

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Anyway it was pretty scary and they’re supposed to go to another debate soon and everyone’s wondering if they’re going to actually fight each other.

Oh and then the next day Marco said that during the debate it totally looked like Donald peed his pants and everyone laughed, so Donald called Marco sweaty and Chris, who used to bully Marco but hasn’t lately since he dropped out of school, also said that Marco was really really sweaty but Donald wouldn’t say whether or not he peed his pants which I thought was weird.

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Oh and then Vincente used the F word when he was talking about Donald and Donald told him to apologize for using the F word even though Donald curses ALL THE TIME, like, he has the dirtiest mouth in the whole school and has definitely used the F word before and he also got in trouble for using the P word like a week ago, and he’s always complaining about how people yell at him for not being PC and now he’s complaining that Vincente used the F word so it’s like, what the heck, you know? Everyone heard you use the P word and everyone heard you say you would “bomb the shit out of” those people so you can’t be upset when someone else is using the F word about you, right? Anyway it’s, like, so hypocritical of Donald, but that’s just him, I guess.

Oh, and that reminds me that after the debate Donald called Ted a liar and wrote a bunch of mean tweets about Marco, except he misspelled “lightweight” as “leightweight” and “choker” as “chocker” and “honor” as “honer” which is pretty embarrassing honestly, I mean Donald’s pretty old at this point and should definitely know how to spell honor?

Anyway Donald tried to delete the tweets but everyone had already seen them and made fun of them and even Marco made fun of them when he was talking to a bunch of people. And that’s when Chris said he liked Donald more than he liked anyone else and then Donald and Chris both called Marco sweaty some more.

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So anyway now we’re all wondering what’s gonna happen because Donald is being so immature and Marco called Donald a spoiled rich kid who wouldn’t be nearly as popular if his dad wasn’t rich and a lot of people think Ted is the Zodiac Killer so it seems like they’re definitely going to keep arguing and who knows if John K or Ben will be there to calm them down next time.

I hope so though because I really don’t want to see anyone get punched in the face, I mean I’m a total pacifist and I hate violence but maybe that’s where we’re headed, is someone getting punched in the face. I just hope not, you know?