Summer 2015 has been the Soccer Summer of America. The U.S. women loudly declared themselves as the planet’s supreme athletic beings, possibly forming a new world government in the process. The U.S. men went to Europe for some friendlies, stomped on the hearts of the best the continent had to offer and have embarked on a mission to grab regional supremacy in the Gold Cup.
Still, one aspect of American soccer greatness has been sadly neglected – MLS, America’s beloved domestic league. In the proud summer tradition of bullshit transfer rumors, I’m about to make one up right now. I’m going to find the one man capable of righting this summer’s MLS injustice – one that can do so in the most American way possible.
And that great man is Rio Ferdinand.
Yes, Rio Ferdinand announced his retirement from professional soccer back in May, but that was probably a political move to avoid another year with Queens Park Rangers.
I cannot confirm that this Instagram video is Ferdinand’s “Come and get me” plea to Major League Soccer, but what else could it be? A mechanical bull, a star-spangled inflatable pool and some jean shorts (I refuse to type the word “j*rts”) of questionable length? Rio Ferdinand wants to be in America! Why wouldn’t he? MLS is cutting big ass checks for old folks these days. 🇺🇸⚽️🗽🍔🍺
I had a less than warm reaction to Ferdinand suggesting that MLS could be his final resting place back in February, but after this video, I’ve had a change of heart. The only thing this video needs to reach true American soccer perfection is Brek Shea shotgunning a Natty Ice while ordering up some Pitbull on a jukebox.