Fishy Future: Meet The Next Rulers of The Earth

Scientists have discovered a new breed of air-breathing fish in the Amazon River. These creatures belong to the Arapaima fish family, which was previously thought to have four different species.

Much like its brethren, this new Arapaima species can grow to be up to 10 feet in length. What sets them apart, however, is a handful of distinct physical characteristics, including a sensor cavity on its head and a different color patern. Scientists hope their discovery will help river ecology but I suspect something larger is at play. Something more nefarious.

Massive fish + the ability to breath air + sensory head cavity can only mean one thing. These fish are clearly evolving to take over humanity.

For years, I assumed dolphins and orcas were next in line to dominate the planet. They have a lot of things going for them: they’re exceptionally smart, they have sophisticated language and societal structures, they’re kind of awesome…

But now I see the error in my ways. Dolphins and orcas are too smart. Why would they want to inherit the mess of ruling the Earth? No, it takes a certain lack of insight and intelligence to want to dominate a planet (hence our government).

So it seems natural that fish would become the ruling class of the future. I can picture them now, dressed up in a suit and tie, micromanaging every little detail of your workday, insisting at every step that you need to “own this project” but undermining your every decision. They’ll constantly try to sneak up on you and make sure you’re not on Facebook. Thankfully for you, their pungent smell will always tip you off to their impending arrival.

But on the bright side, they’re fish, so really you can just cast a giant net over them and lock them in the server closet and no one will really care until they start too smell really really bad. Or, better yet, keep on not clipping those plastic soda rings and throwing them into the world’s bodies of water.


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