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March Men-ness update: It's time to decide who makes our final

How did we create this barren world, one where Real Madrid, universally recognized as one of the hottest teams on the planet, is not in our March Men-ness final four? It’s such a complicated question, almost as complicated as asking “how does one create something as beautiful as Genoa’s Marco Boriello?”

Juventus FC v Cagliari Calcio  - Serie A

Is that the face that launched a thousand ships? Who knows, but he certainly did its part to knock the favorites out of our quest to crown the world’s sexiest soccer team. That matchup between Arsenal and Real Madrid that was destined to generate so much heat? It’s never going to happen, thanks to our quarterfinal results:

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Who were we to doubt those classic Italian features? Maybe we were too dismissive of the masculine virtues of both Genoa and Juventus, because now, Serie A teams make up half of our remaining field. At least they’ve finally managed to find a field to dominate, right?


Alas, we’ve committed ourselves to bestowing the sexiest crown upon just one team, which means it’s time to vote – again. Take to the polls, below, to decide which teams deserve a chance at our ultimate prize.

Arsenal vs. Genoa

Arsenal (England)


Conventional wisdom might say Arsenal has gotten his far on the back, eyes, shoulders, hair and every other part of Olivier Giroud. And … well …

Sorry, where were we? Oh, yes. Arsenal’s other players.

If you can’t see the beauty in budding Adonis Hector Bellerín, Tomas Rosicky’s underrated bed hair, or the overlooked potential of Serge Gnabry, that’s alright. Because even if you can’t get past Giroud, there are plenty of reasons why Arsenal’s made it this far.

In case you’ve forgotten those other reasons, do your Arsenal research.

Genoa (Italy)


Genoa is the dark horse that’s become March Men-ness’s stallion, and we can’t give Boriello enough credit. Beating Manchester United, then Real Madrid? Maybe he didn’t do it on his own, but we would have liked to see him try.

Some voters had to be thinking of the glorious locks of Mattia Perin, future net-minder for Italy. Or the deep, soulful eyes of M’Baye Niang, who might be on loan at Genoa but is certainly adding a bit of spice to the lineup. After all, if you had to get past Cristiano Ronaldo and Sergio Ramos, we’re going to assume you had a little help.

Check out the rest of Genoa’s “help” before you vote.

Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona (Spain)

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Mr. Shakira and La Liga‘s leaders didn’t take the easy route. Borussia Mönchengladbach in round one? Then Liverpool? That’s some prime steak to keep off the grill. Was it Gerard’s pout that pouched Barça over the top? Obviously, Barcelona’s proven its appeal.

And really, can you blame the people who’ve voted for Marc Bartra and his adorable dog? Or Neymar, who looks set to eclipse Lionel Messi in at least one department. Barcelona may not have been a favorite a week ago, but who isn’t turned on by a little staying power?

See what kind of depth La Blaugrana brings to our final four.

Juventus (Italy)


Speaking of staying power: Gianluigi Buffon and Andrea Pirlo. These two were creating madness long before there was any March Man-ness. And obviously that experience has paid off. This duo has been forming its constituency for the last 20 years; as if you need nearly that long to give in to these Azzurri icons.

Now, this deep into the action, it may be time for Juventus’s younger draws to step up. We’re looking at you Álvaro Morata. You, too, Fernando Llorente. And at you, Paolo – when you get a few minutes to play, our eyes never leave the field.

See why Italy’s finest are more than just Pirlo.

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